The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
