I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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