Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
