I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
