Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
