We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
