I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
