dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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