I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
