I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
