Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
