I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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