My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
