Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize