My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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