Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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