Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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