You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
