I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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