theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
