I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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