remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
