Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
