it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize