thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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