haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
