just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
