My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
