Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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