Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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