Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
