I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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