The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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