I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
