And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
