she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
