u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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