my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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