I puked a lego.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
