Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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