he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
