Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize