The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize