Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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