Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
