We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
