Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And then he peed in my hair
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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