Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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