I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
