I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
