i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i've created a new STD.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
