Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
