I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
