woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
