Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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