I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
