She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
