I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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