If i could tip my vagina, i would.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
