got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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