Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
