Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize