youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
