haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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