I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
