Your dad touched me again.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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