i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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