if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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