I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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