I just pynch a tree in the face
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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