1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
