Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
