every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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