I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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