Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize